Memories
by thesumofmydecisions
Summary: "Name one thing that you and I have that is special, that is just you and me." Post 2x11. When Kevin leaves rehab and goes to her place, Rebecca tries to give her son the answer he needs.


**New Jersey - 2017**

Leaving the guest bedroom, Kevin walked until the end of the corridor and slowly approached his mother's bedroom, making as much noise as he could, since he didn't want to catch her and Miguel kissing or anything.

"Hey, mom," he said as he knocked at the door, and he soon saw that she was alone. He stood there as Rebecca briefly took her eyes from the box she was holding and looked at him.

"Hey, sweetheart. Do you need anything?" She opened the box and, sitting on her bed, spread the contents all over it.

"No, hmm, I'm actually going to the store. Came here to ask you if you need anything..." He entered the room, not feeling very at easy. It was weird staying at his mother's after so many years and without Kate. As he got closer, he saw his mother's hands going through hundreds of pictures.

"Oh, I'm sorry..." She looked at him again, as if she hadn't actually seen him before. "Just some old pictures. I'm searching."

"So what are you looking for? Do you need any help?" He offered, sitting on the other side of the bed and trying not to touch anything or he could wrinkle the material.

"No, I'm... I'm just..." Rebecca started, but couldn't conclude her thought and Kevin started to worry. She looked distant.

"Mom?" He tried.

She pursed her lips and nodded, the way she always did. Then, she shrugged before starting speaking again, her voice very low. "I'm looking for something that's just me and you. Maybe that will spark my memories and I'll be able to give you what you wanted from me."

Kevin felt his heart break. Knowing his mother, he should be expecting that, but he wasn't. He regretted saying all those thing; it would've been better if he dealt with his issues on his own, without hurting all his family in the process. Now that was another thing he had to repair on his relationships.

"Mom... It's fine. I'm fine. You don't have to do that." He said, though deep inside he appreciated that she was trying that for him.

"I do," she answered, her voice shaking a bit before she paused. "I do, Kevin. Because you're my son and I love you so much and if I ever let you think you're not enough, I have to fix that. You have to know that I would give my life for you."

He didn't know what to say nor he could say anything with that giant lump in his throat, so he just lowered his eyes and glanced at the picture Rebecca was holding. Kevin recognized the pool they used to go when they were kids, they were probably eight or nine. His mother started talking at the same time he saw Kate's shirt and he remembered. "This day was crazy," she smiled. "It was so hot and the pool was so crowded. Kate's friends wrote something mean to her, then your father gave her this hideous shirt that I hated, and Randall didn't want to be with us and..." Her eyes went again from the picture to him and Kevin saw them getting wet before her hand went to her mouth and she gasped. "Oh, my God."

Kevin took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling, so his tears wouldn't fall as well. He wanted to say something, to comfort his mother, but he couldn't, because the memory of the day he almost drowned still caused him more pain than he would admit. He remembered like it was yesterday. The water trying to get to his lungs and he fought with all his power. He didn't have the time to think about his family in that moment; only when he was safe that he looked at them and there they were, not even missing him. He could have died when he didn't even know how death worked.

They were there for a while, the only sounds coming from her sobs and his heavy breath, until Rebecca managed to recompose herself and said. "You were going somewhere, right? Go." She asked, and Kevin was relieved.

"Okay." Still unable to formulate a better answer, he agreed. As he stood up, he noticed that a picture that was stuck on his hand fell on the floor. As he bent down to get it, Kevin was surprised by what he saw.

He had never seen that picture before. Though he obviously didn't see when it was taken, because he was sleeping, he should be able to remember the context, but there was only a blur where should have been a memory. Rain, the cabin, a pillow and a blanket.

 **The Cabin - 1990**

Kevin woke up at the voices outside; Kate, Randall and his dad. After that, he felt the hard floor under his body and an arm over it. Only then he opened his eyes and saw her.

"Mom?" His mother was sleeping by his side on the floor and Kevin was confused. Why wasn't she in the bed? When he went to the bedroom, they all looked comfortable, what happened?

At the sound of his voice, she opened her eyes. "Hey, bud. Good morning." She smiled, messing with his hair.

"What are you doing here?" He asked.

She sat, facing him and answered. "Well, I woke up in the middle of the night, I saw you here and... Why were you sleeping on the floor, Kev?"

He looked at her, deciding what he should say. He started, studying his mother's reactions as the words get out of his mouth. "I was scared, but I didn't want to wake you up. There was no room for me in the bed." He felt the tears coming to his eyes, but he wouldn't let them out, after all, he had to be tough.

"Oh, honey," she pulled Kevin, hugging him and kissing the top of his head. "For future reference, if that ever happens again, you can wake me up. We're a family of five, there's always space for five, understand?"

He nodded, feeling a little bit better. The ten seconds of silence, with his mother so close, started to make him uncomfortable, so he remembered: "I found Randall's glasses, they were under his bed. I told you I didn't take them." He couldn't avoid the bitter tone on his voice.

His mother released him from her arms, so he could face her again. "I know, Kev. I believe you and I'm sorry I doubted you before."

He shrugged. "It's okay."

Rebecca started to get up and Kevin sat there, looking at her, half relieved and half disappointed that the proximity had gone away. "Mom?" he said, standing hastily, before he regretted it. He didn't understand it, but something inside of him made him fear being in that position. "I don't hate you."

"I know, baby. And I love you." Her smile warmed his heart and made him smile too.

"I love you too, mom." She hugged him one more time, mentioning again how big he was.

The voices continued to talk outside, they were having fun, but this time he didn't mind. He was looking for his shoes when he heard his mom was opening the door, but then she closed it again and, a few seconds later, she called him. "Hey, Kev?"

"Yeah," he bent down to look under the bed and she waited until he gave up searching. "I have to go to the city, buy some things to make us lunch. You wanna come with me? Just me and you?"

 **New Jersey - 2017**

"How could I forget this?" Rebecca shook her head and wiped the tears that were still coming.

"How could _I_ forget this? I'm the one with good memory." Kevin echoed, feeling guilty for not remembering such an important thing and accusing his mom of not having any special moments with him.

Rebecca touched his hand and looked into his eyes. "You know, I probably asked you that first time because I was still feeling guilty for what had happened with Randall's glasses, but I actually liked taking you with me when I went to the store."

"Really?" Kevin asked, the corner of his lips slightly curving into a smile. It was already overwhelming that she was looking for a forgotten moment to give him and they had found it, but that revelation meant a lot for him.

"Yeah, I did," she answered with a small chuckle. "Well, I couldn't take Kate, because she'd only want all sorts of candies and cookies, and Randall would drive me crazy with all the numbers, he would study every single label and every single price."

Kevin laughed. "That sounds like Randall."

"And when you three were together, it was mayhem, but when it was only you, you were happy to help me... Or you were eager to go back home. Either way, I would ask you to get things, you would go and we would finish faster." Kevin had been thinking about his relationship with his mother since his first few therapy sessions and he knew it had been a long time since the two had been that close. He still felt awkward and very self-conscious though, so he was always searching for something to say.

"I liked going shopping with you. I felt useful." He admitted.

Rebecca thought for a second, with Kevin staring at her to listen what she was going to say. "Now that you mentioned it, between the three, you were the one that always liked doing things for us. Every time your dad did something for me, you were there, looking and trying to imitate him." The two laughed, nostalgic at the memories of Jack, with Kevin trying to subside the pain he felt every time he thought about his dad.

"Yeah, that does sound like me. I mean, when you're not the little girl and you're not the genius, you gotta find something you're good at, right?" He said playfully, but Rebecca took it more serious than he meant it.

"Kevin, you don't have to compare yourself with your sister and specially with your brother." She said and her voice was sweet, caring, which touched him. He bit his lips and nodded, as she continued. "You're enough, son. Just the way you are. And I know a single picture and a single thing is not much, but I hope it's a start, because I'm determined to show you that."

Unable to hide that tear that was falling from his right eye and feeling once again more vulnerable than he was comfortable being, he answered, "Thanks, mom" and got up again, to resume his way out of the room, overwhelmed by those few minutes they spent together. He could still feel her eyes on him when he crossed the door. Then, he stopped, and turned back as an idea occurred to him.

"Mom?" He asked.

"Yes?" She answered, staring at him.

Kevin hesitated. Why was it so hard to take that small step? But he had to. Just like she did it, so many years ago, he asked. "I'm going to the store. You wanna come with me?"


End file.
